Everything I Wanted

Star Date: April WTFC?

Captains Log: Day 29 of quarantine and the natives are getting restless. I’m not kidding!!!

Who thought this is where we would be? Show of hands? No, I didn’t think so either. When last we met I was comfortably cruising toward a two week vacation in Florida from the boredom and cold of winter. What did I know about boredom? I laugh now that I told Metavivor I couldn’t drive the Sea to Sea RV in the summer because I never leave the Cape then, how prophetic, lol. I thought about how I would be settling into Spring and planning baby boy’s baby shower—yes, we are having a boy! Bridget had a lot of travel coming up and I thought we would happily be puppy sitting Sadie. I had time off from Cancerland so plenty of time to get cracking at editing the Metavivor blog and starting a newsletter. How naïve!!!!!!!!!!!






Firstly, I must say vacation, maybe the last one eva, was great. We stayed at a marina in Key West and had lots of time to wander and explore. The highlights for me; a trip to Hemingway’s House and a chance to visit with his six pawed cats, the Truman Little White House (who knew how interesting that would be?), some time at the southernmost point in the Unites States, and of course, snorkeling. There was kayaking, getting scratched in the mangroves, crows everywhere, music and the humming of boats. We ate a lot and visited Blue Heaven twice, and lounged at the pool.

Next up, South Beach in Miami,one our favorite fun places to stay. We had a beautiful room overlooking the pool with a very private balcony. We lounged around although I took great care to avoid the sun and wore sun screen and my gigantic new sun hut that kinda makes me look mysterious with my sunglasses on. We met up with Carol and Stephen and of course, Jake, and dined at the Versace Mansion (WOW) and hit up Mango’s on South Beach. Carol ordered a White Russian that was the size of a large bird bath! We also dined at Joe’s Stone Crab after a two hour wait (are you kidding) and it was ….dreadful. The food was terrible. Anyway this isn’t a travel blog….

Lastly we stayed at the Fountainbleu for Cure’s Educated Patient Summit on Breast Cancer. I participated in a pharmaceutical focus group as well. The summit was okay, I was on a panel but didn’t have to speak much (as Tim said, that’s the easiest money you ever made), and then a video interview for CancerNet. I reminded Tim my presence was enough. He manned the Metavivor table with the vendors and happily chatted away with folx and told them about our nonprofit. There were the beginnings of murmurings about “the virus” but I didn’t feel unsettled, yet. The Fountainbleu was ok but expensive and I was ready for home after two weeks away. What I didn’t know was that when I flew home that Monday, that was it. Life as we knew it was over.






Because of my immunocompromised condition (hello steroids), we immediately began to sequester but in the early days, Tim was still going out and about–a swim at the gym, a visit to Bridget etc. I stayed adamantly on lock down. By the following Sunday, it became very real. Tim could no longer go anywhere but the grocery store and CVS. I started virtual personal training with Louise, I discovered the joy (not really) of Zoom and we had our first of several virtual cocktail hours. I worry continuously about TP only because we can’t find any (and Louise dropped some off) and wonder why there is no Prego at the market? Tim still hasn’t procured ground turkey or a few other things but generally we are doing ok and taking meal planning very seriously.

I realized that right before all this I had promised to start a support group for the Boston MBC ladies after a great lunch we had in Braintree. That was derailed but I did offer to take it on line and 21 women immediately signed on. We had our first Zoom support group Sunday —it went well but a few kinks still to work out. I just felt strongly that now was not the time to leave anyone high and dry and some of my mets sisters live alone.

Me and the mets sisters–we are not unlike war veterans. We have seen friends and loved ones die and been through some terrible treatments. When we meet we are ecstatic to see each other but sad. It’s like going back to the front knowing some of our sisters won’t be there, and that no one else understands us like we do. Such a mixture of feelings and a cloud that always looms over us. We are in it together.

Most people have never given a thought, really, about dying, or where they want to die—I have thought about it for years now. The virus has now forced people to reflect somewhat on that, for themselves and their loved ones. If they have to prioritize resources and ventilators in a triage situation, I know I am in the bottom group with my co-morbidities and therefore most likely to die. It makes me hypervigilant about wanting to avoid the virus at all costs but what ever. The reality I have been living for 5 years is now a reality for everyone else and it is sobering. It is what lessons the focus on the small stuff and helps to differentiate what is really important–time spent well with Blanket and the Coconuts and friends. It’s why I have always looked for the tender mercies that people are just now starting to appreciate. Always there is love and lots of laughter. I can’t be caught up in some drama–who has time? You’re either with me, all in, or you are out. Welcome to my world, finally.

Tim has now taken up blogging as part of his solution house arrest. He is a pretty funny guy, but you knew that. He often rants about orange baby, his favorite target so I’m thankful he has an outlet, lol. Check him out as Semi-Conscious Musings on Word Press (TBIGS53.com). He is hilarious even if I have a bias.

I am asked how I relax in this floating world by the sea. Obviously there are cocktails at sunset and cooking together. But honestly, I’m happiest when reclining on the couch, listening to Billie Eillish, either singing or talking in an interview on you tube where I inevitably fall asleep to her mysterious voice. I find some kind of weird peace  and love to drift off to it. I felt the same attachment to Amy Winehouse, go figure.

Our world has shrunken in many ways and enlarged globally in other ways. We are all connected. Think about what you want to come of this.

Till next time, captain’s log signing off.


  1. Barbara, so nice to see your blog again. Im glad you are staying safe.

    Take Care of yourself,

    [image: photo] *Peggy Crowley*

    Secretary to Principal

    Oliver Ames High School

    508-230-3210, ext. 1400

    On Tue, Apr 7, 2020 at 6:09 PM The Cancer Chronicles wrote:

    > barbigelow posted: “Star Date: April WTFC? Captains Log: Day 29 of > quarantine and the natives are getting restless. I’m not kidding!!! Who > thought this is where we would be? Show of hands? No, I didn’t think so > either. When last we met I was comfortably cruising toward” >

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So happy to hear Kelsey is having a boy! I have walked by your old house daily & sometimes 3 times a day missing you in the hood. Hope all of you stay well 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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