I don’t know what to say. This week the media is full of a video that a woman in Texas made about metastatic breast cancer (MBC). I guess this is news to some people—that it is incurable, fatal, final, the end. Still…despite a 26 month life expectancy, Dr. Rachel has renewed my hope that there is a space between my present and my future–time to breathe, catch up, get organized. Despite only 7% of money raised for breast cancer research being spent on MBC and no change in the MBC stats in 20 years, I still don’t think it’s over. For me. The average woman with MBC will go through 10 to 12 different treatment protocols before death–I am only on my first one! And, now that I am well into my 3rd cycle of chemo, I feel pretty good. Actually I feel more like myself than I have since February. I’ll take it! I do not plan on going anywhere without a battle and I am determined to drag myself through the door to my future for Kelsey, Bridget and Tim and all the people who have meant so much to me and been so important to my well-being (she says as tears drip onto the keyboard). You know who you are.

Onward after that bummer rumination…I have managed to stay out of cancer house and the lab for a solid 2 weeks! This morning Bridget signed on to take me to my Pet Scan on June 30th and have lunch with me until she has to go to work and Tim arrives for the preliminary results. Scan, treat, repeat–I feel like a washing machine. Will it be a big day? Yes, but I believe in Dr. Rachel and the chemotherapy drugs and mostly, I believe in me.

Bill and Carla were going to come for a cook out on the deck tonight but she has a sore throat and cold–things I can’t handle. Jenny and Brian were going to have dinner with us instead but Jenny has a cough that did not respond to antibiotics and is apparently viral. Nope, can’t do it. But I am noticing that, at the moment, my friends seem a lot sicker than me! My next observation–people say one of two things to me–“you look great”, said with amazement–I guess I should be pasty, bald and anemic–that would be more reassuring. The other comment I get a lot is that I look tired. People, I work full-time with adolescents!! Come Fridays around here I am pretty tired. You’d be exhausted too if you heard their stories of heart-break and loss, anger and sadness. I am in favor of an 8 day week with 2 Saturdays. Just sayin.

Liz B has talked me into downloading the app Snapchat. She sends me hilarious snap chats of her and Jeff in DC, cracks me up every time.

I feel great today, the weather is perfect, Blanket Tim is puttering around, fixing things, mumbling to himself. Tomorrow we go to South Boston to meet up with the coconuts and have dinner, life is good. We are all blessed and the tender mercies are present and surround me everywhere.

Don’t Dream It’s Over–Crowded House

Love, Barbara

Advertisements

Written by barbigelow

Wife, mother, school psychologist, cat lover

9 comments

  1. I don’t even like to think about that “over” part. None of us know when it will be over. I revel in the fact that you feel so well NOW! Today is all we have. You have a great attitude, and if anyone I know will go kicking and fighting it will be you. You have great family and friends, fabulous kids, and the fight of a Griffin. Thanks for sharing your deepest hopes and fears. Makes me feel like I’m closer than 1000 miles away. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello again! What is the best way to chat with you? Is there a way I can send along my email to you? I hope you are enjoying this beautiful summer night. Glad to hear you are feeling well!

    Like

  3. I love to hear that strength in you! That you will go through that door for your loved one and that you are surviving and making it through. It makes me feel better. To know that mentally you are strong. I wish even for one day i could take all this away from you. Maybe i missed it but why coconuts? Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Barbara (AKA BJ), I LOVE this post! Your love of life and family is an inspiration to me! I remember from PCIS when you were in treatment for that first diagnosis how you continued to run, and how your doctor had not ever experienced that with another patient. You GO girl!!
    Carol (formerly Kawa) Purkey

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually, it was at PSMS where I have those vivid memories of you. SO blessed to have found this blog, thanks to Diana P.. We visited Plymouth last summer and got to visit with Bernadette, Diana, and Rocky again after 10 years living in Tennessee.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s