Hello from the circus! Finally was cleared to start my next cycle of chemo, Yay! Blood work later this week to see if I am doing okay enough to continue. Enough about that.
After a hectic 24th birthday celebration for Bridget combined with Mother’s Day I am pretty exhausted. The birthday girl was surrounded by friends, old and new, and people who clearly love her which makes me very happy and, for a bonus, she loved the bike!
Bridget and I often argue in the week leading up to her birthday–her anxiety about being the center of attention and my anxiety about pleasing her creates a lot of friction! Two atoms collide and it’s powerful! Watch out!
Now for Mother’s Day–we jumped into a heat wave, wandering around Boston with my “under the weather” daughter trying to remember where I stored my summer clothes when the other one moved back home……not a clue.
Decided to take today off for rest and quiet. I have been feeling lousy truthfully although the chest pain I had been having appears to have gone. Tim has been pushing me for more down time. Ha! Anyone who knows me, knows that trying to get me to do anything is rough. However, the war of the pollen allergies, dust and heat won so I needed to put in an air conditioner, sleep and re-think things.
Magically, my former breast cancer surgeon who is now at Dana Farber had her office call me and Eureka! Off and running toward a second opinion next week. Spent the day calling, copying, faxing and e-mailing to make my records fly in the right direction and got motivated to update my medical binder which I lug around like a leg iron.
All of this rushing about made me reflect. I have been in denial about my cancer reoccurrence. I have buried my head in the sand, looked for every distraction and pretended it was an epic joke that the universe was playing out. How could this really be happening to me? I can talk about it, discuss it in-depth even, but I really haven’t slowed down enough to actually feel it. It has been a lot easier to think about and question the quality of care I have been receiving from my grumpy elderly doctor than to look at myself. To get unstuck. To move forward. To feel.
The call today came at the right moment if there ever is a right moment in the cancer universe. The woman on the other end of the receiver said “this is where you need to be, we don’t do anything but cancer and it’s a whole different ball game here.” I needed to hear that. Its been lonely here in the dark, not feeling like a medical team was on the case, looking out for me.
Why is it so much harder this time? Last time around I was 13 years younger and did not yet have arthritis and spinal stenosis and menopause to get through. I had young kids that needed attention. My parents were still here and they were two more anchors to help me to get on with, and over it. Even though I was told many times that my cancer was incurable I didn’t believe them. I felt good. I thought I beat the odds. I was going to be a bad ass Melissa Ethridge , guitar blazing, kicking its butt. Turns out not so much. So yes, I am still here trying to learn how to accept and live with the unacceptable. I thank all of you for your support near and far. How could I do any of this without that?
Kelsey’s song: The love theme from Romeo and Juliet, “Kissing You” by Des’re
Barbara, Lady Bug, the RN and Birthday Bridget