Despacito

Resolutions! Why does everyone talk about making resolutions that they seldom live up to? I think the key is to live your life with resolve not resolutions. What the heck does that mean Barb? I think that I look at life differently than other people do since being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Not that I’m special, but I think differently. My pal Kelli Davis writes thoughtfully EVERY day (god I’m such a slacker) about life with MBC. Today she got me thinking, which is how we landed here.

“Each of us is born with a tiny, uninflated balloon tucked at our side. It serves as a rubber reminder of our mortality that only swells as we age, slowly filling with helium, rising, demanding attention. We all are born. We all must die. But most if us don’t get an advanced warning.

A metastatic breast cancer diagnosis is such a notice.

The revelation, as heavy as lead, but to the balloon, it’s lighter than air. It swiftly inflates, now bobbing prominently at eye level. Even when we regain the ability to resume living despite this terrifying fate, the black balloon drifts into view, a rising reminder of our inevitable end.

You may not understand the far-off look in our eyes during family events or our inability to be fully present during celebrations. Know that the emotions we feel in those moments are complex, contradictory, a quagmire of confliction. Know that we’re both buoyed by hope and tied down by the string.”

I love that last line, buoyed by hope and tied down by the string. It pretty much sums it up for me. I live a life of friendship and love with lots of spirit but the string is always there in the background pulling at me. So…my resolve is to live everyday:

1.Always on the lookout for the tender mercies–those small things that crack the darkness and connect us—sorta like “counting your blessings”

2. To make a difference to someone, somewhere, no matter how hard it is. I have helped lots of kids in my life but this is harder now that I’m retired but still important to my well-being.

3.  To be kind–all of the time not when it is easy or convenient. My sarcasm sometimes gets me in trouble with this one but I do try, really.

Well enough about all that. My search for Scout, my bad boy cat continues. I haven’t given up hope mainly because he has gone on vacations before. One time he came back neutered! Another time I found him asleep on a bed at someone’s house 3 miles away. If any cat has nine lives he does–he has awesome survival skills. Interestingly, our search has led to new friends. Kind people who think they have seen him and contact me. We have driven all over town to look at cats only to be disappointed when it doesn’t pan out but the people we’ve met are lovely. We even went, in my pajamas, to look at a dead cat on the side of a road that we were alerted about. Now that was FUN! Tim pretends he doesn’t like my cats but he has been quite enthusiastic about trying to find him. He knows how much company they are to me. It helps that we have winnowed down from 14 cats to just 3. (I have a big barn–they didn’t all come in the house, stop what you are thinking right now!)

So I’ll keep looking for Scout and the tender mercies, trying to live with resolve and not get too tied up in the string.You can too!

Love from the cat house